


Highly Illogical

by TheCookieMonster77



Series: Zero Gravity 'verse [6]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: 4+1, Alternate Universe - Space, Celestino Cialdini - Freeform, Found Family Dynamics, Friendship, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Jean-Jacques Leroy - Freeform, Non-Linear Narrative, Star Trek AU, mila babicheva - Freeform, stabby the roomba - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-11
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2019-03-03 09:23:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13338279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheCookieMonster77/pseuds/TheCookieMonster77
Summary: the times theEnterprisetakes on new crew members and the time they don't





	Highly Illogical

**Author's Note:**

> happy hump day

**1: Seung-gil does not know how interviews for Starfleet are done, but he's pretty sure they're supposed to last longer than a minute.**

Seung-gil has prepped for this interview for the past five weeks, determined not to let the opportunity to be the  _Enterprise_ 's head medical chief slip through his grasp. He pours over his textbooks til his eyes are raw, bombards his professors with questions til his throat is hoarse, studies past ship logs til his clearance runs out. He's been working for a head medical chief position like this for nearly ten years; sacrificing sleep for caffeine and shows for studies is nothing to a determined Seung-gil.

Seung-gil walks into his interview with makeup caked on his face to hide the bags under his eyes and the grey-sallow sheen to his cheeks. Queen Seondeok hovers behind him like the worried fretting mother hen she is. Seung-gil had tried to get her to stay at his apartment but she refused, whining piteously the same way she does when she shoves food at him to eat or when she flops down on him to force him to sleep. As Queen Seondeok looms over Seung-gil by a meter and terrifies the academy security guards, she easily wins this argument and tags along to Seung-gil's dream interview.

He just prays to a higher being he doesn't believe in that she won't scare the interviewers too much.

Seung-gil takes a deep breath and prepares for battle, running through his battle mantra as he marches through the door.

_I have a prestigious degree. I've interned on starships before. I'm the top of my class, they'd be stupid not to-_

"YOU'RE HIRED!"

_-hire me_. Seung-gil blinks.  _Aren't I supposed to at least introduce myself first?_

"What?"

Seung-gil tries not to frown when he hears someone echo him. The echo speaker is the interviewer on his left, a man with gleaming silver hair and an impossibly large presence that fills the room even when just sitting behind a sleek metal desk and pile of papers.

_Ah, Captain Viktor Nikiforov_ , Seung-gil thinks, momentarily stunned by the famous captain's presence.  _I thought his head would be bigger_.

"We're hiring him."

Seung-gil's eyes snap to the first speaker, brow pinching before he's able to place the glowing smile and sparkling brown eyes to Starfleet's pride poster boy, science officer Yuuri Katsuki. Seung-gil had thought Yuuri Katsuki to be average and plain in his past years of seeing the man stare down at him from glossy posters with cheesy slogans, and is currently too busy trying to connect it with the face that looks to be literally shining with excitement in front of him to fully register that he got the job with no need for an interview.

Then he realizes said shining face barreling over the sleek metal desk towards him too quickly for his stuttering brain to process-

Only for the officer to sweep right past him and start cooing over Queen Seondeok.

"Hello gorgeous," Yuuri Katsuki croons, patiently holding out his hand to her muzzle. Queen Seondeok noses his hand curiously before nuzzling it, Yuuri Katsuki happily surging forward to scratch her favorite spots and snuggle against Seung-gil's companion. "How are you doing, my lovely beauty?"

Viktor Nikiforov slams his head on the desk.

"Yuuriiiiii," he whines into the pile of resumes under him.

Yuuri Katsuki ignores Viktor Nikiforov, quite possibly unable to hear him over his lavished praises to Queen Seondeok as he rockets his way up to the honored position of her second favorite person in the universe. Seung-gil's almost jealous.

Viktor Nikiforov ignores the fact that he's being ignored. "We're not hiring this man because of his doggo," he tells the papers firmly.

Queen Seondeok is not a dog. Queen Seondeok is a two and a half meter lumbering beast of mysterious origins, with venom lined teeth as long as Seung-gil's hand and a deep green exoskeleton as hard as steel.

"Finally, someone who understands," Seung-gil mutters as his doggo licks Yuuri Katsuki's cheek.

"Yuurii _iiii_ ," Viktor Nikiforov whines again.

Queen Seondeok shakes her head in annoyance and Yuuri Katsuki peels away from her side just enough to beam at his captain.

(A fire burns in his eyes and his teeth are gleaming.

Seung-gil's rightly terrified.)

"Vitya," Yuuri Katsuki says, saccharine sweet. "We will hire this  _highly_  qualified and experienced man and his adorable doggo, yes."

It's not a question.

Viktor Nikiforov peels his face off the resumes to give Yuuri Katsuki a fond look. "Did you even read his file?"

Yuuri Katsuki's smile burns brighter.

"Of course we'll hire them, Yuuri," Viktor Nikiforov acquiesces, looking more bemused than put out. His sharp blue eyes drift from Yuuri Katsuki to Seung-gil and he smiles blithely. "Welcome to the  _Enterprise._ "

Seung-gil is left awkwardly standing halfway between the door and the interview table, slowly processing the last three minutes as Yuuri Katsuki pampers Queen Seondeok for the next thirty.

_Well_ , Seung-Gil muses as Yuuri Katsuki praises her wicked sharp claws.  _At least I know she's allowed to come along_.

* * *

**2: Some things are just constants across all universes- pineapple pizza discourse, the answer to the question is 42, and inevitably a beloved roomba gets promoted.**

Yuuri wakes from his nap by a pounding on his door so furious his room shakes.

As Yuuri was firmly tucked into bed a few hours ago by Viktor (with Seung-gil's listen-to-your-fucking-doctor-before-I-grab-my-scalpel glare as backup) and put under strict orders not to come out until he's worked off his cold, he's rather surprised by this development.

"KATSUDON," Yuri hollers from the other side of the door in between pounds, "VIKTOR RUINED EVERYTHING."

_Oh._ Yuuri yawns.  _That explains a lot_.

Yuuri shakes off his grogginess and just manages to find his glasses when his door slides open and he's blinded by the corridor light as Yuri storms in like a raging hurricane. Yuuri almost misses Stabby rolling in behind him, but the little roomba is so loud in whining his own temper tantrum that he's grown a meter in stature.

Yuuri firmly tucks his feet under his legs as Stabby whirls around in displeased circles, the knife blade taped to his top flashing in the light spilling in from outside.

"Wha-" Yuuri yawns- "what's going on?"

Stabby squeals unhappily. Yuuri thinks he's explaining the situation but he can barely understand Stabby's language on a good day, much less right after he wakes up. He turns to Yuri for a translation when Viktor comes barreling into the fray as well.

"Yurio, stop bothering my Yu- OW!"

Stabby backs away from Viktor's ankle,  _vroom_ ing as he gears to charge Viktor again. Viktor jumps up with a loud "HAH" and wedges himself in the doorway in a starfish position, shoulder and arm muscles bunching impressively as he holds himself up and away from the angry roomba with a knife. Stabby makes a loud  _blat_  sound of displeasure and circles underneath Viktor like a shark circling its prey.

Viktor ignores him, blows his bangs out of his eyes, and scowls at Yuri. "Stop disturbing my Yuuri, he needs his rest!"

Yuri  _hurumphs_  and crosses his arms over his chest petulantly. " _You_  were the one who fucked up the scheduling!"

" _Did not!_ "

Yuri snorts disdainfully over Stabby's protests and turns to Yuuri. "He forgot to assign Stabby his shifts." Yuri sniffs with all the haughtiness of an insulted prince. "Treating Stabby like some ordinary household  _machine_."

"Stabby is  _a roomba-_ "

"Ah," Yuuri interrupts before Viktor can say anything cruel against the little roomba. His rubs his eye and eyes Viktor balefully. "Viktor how could you?"

Viktor whines his distress.

Yuuri ignores his captain still starfished in the doorway and the angry roomba's cries of injustice and vengeance. He turns to Yuri, who looks ten seconds from reading his older brother the Robot Rights Act of 2193. "Go get me my datapad Yurio. I'll fix this."

"That's not my name," Yuri snaps with no bite as he hands over Yuuri's datapad from underneath his shirt. Yuuri blinks at the datapad for a full second (how did he  _miss_  that, Yuri couldn't hide a stick on his thin frame). He doesn't even think to actually grab the datapad until after Yuri gets impatient and nearly breaks Yuuri's nose shoving it at his face.

Stabby sees the exchange and abandons Viktor to go whine at the foot of Yuuri's bed. Yuuri's almost conscious enough to make out the incredibly creative insults Stabby's throwing at Viktor.

Viktor drops down from his perch, pouting at Yuuri as he rubs his sore shoulders. Yuuri- actually no, sleepy Yuuri, who is the only other Yuuri capable of channeling flirty Yuuri from the void, thinks it's a good idea to grin at Viktor and his adorable pout and bat his eyes. "What would you ever do without me Captain? I'm out one day and the whole ship falls apart."

" _One_  mistake.  _One!_ "

Yuri and Stabby whine their displeasure. A threatening  _vroom_  from Stabby sends Viktor scrambling up the doorway for safety again.

Yuuri tries to smother his smile as he fixes the schedule. It's probably bad to find so much amusement in his captain frantically trying to escape an indignant roomba, especially since Stabby isn't on the official records as a crew member (yet) and anyone else would have made the same mistake. But, there's just something inexplicably charming in a small roomba screaming murder.

Such a  _feisty_  little child.

"All fixed!" Yuuri says with a final few taps. He smiles slyly at Viktor and bites his lower lip to hide his laughter at Viktor's pout. "I also added  _Officer_  Stabby Plisetsky to the crew list so he's not forgotten again."

Stabby freezes and the room plunges into silence for the first time since Yuri came knocking. Then Stabby let's out a loud  _whirl_ in excitement, his knife blade flashing as he spins. Yuuri barely makes out Stabby's loud 'thank you' between the happy chitters before the robot glides out of the room while singing a celebratory march, fully appeased by the promotion.

"Wait, you mean I just have to whine and then I'll get my own promotion!" Yuri demands.

Yuuri smiles at Yurio, serene and calm just like Celestino taught him. "Try it and I'll put you on bathroom duty for a month."

Yuri huffs and marches out, only pausing long enough to shove Viktor out of the way and yell a half-hearted 'thanks' over his shoulder. The room falls back to peace again, only the force of Viktor's pout to break the silence.

Flirty Yuuri, who's yet to return to the void, coos at Viktor and curls a finger to beckon him closer. "Is someone upset a little roomba threatened to eat their hair?"

Viktor's eyes widen and his hand flies to his head, his body slumping in betrayal as Yuuri laughs. " _Yuuri!_ "

Yuuri holds his arms out and Viktor throws himself into the hug, curling up against Yuuri indignantly. "Just throw me to the void-"

Yuuri laughs again and runs his fingers through Viktor's hair soothingly. "Don't worry Viktor, I'll still love you even after all your hair falls out."

Viktor whines pitifully. " _Mean_  Yuuri, you're supposed to be on my side!"

"I am!" Yuuri insists. Then he makes the mistake of looking down, his next words dying on his lips at the view of Viktor cradled in his arms, half hidden in shadows. Flirty Yuuri evaporates as Viktor's eyes become heavy, abandoning Yuuri to his normal awkwardness as his brain stutters to a halt at Viktor's smile.

"Yuuri," Viktor murmurs, voice deepening. Yuuri's breath catches in his chest as Viktor leans close, his world burning blue as Viktor's gorgeous eyes engulf his vision. Viktor brushes his thumb along Yuuri's lower lip like a promise. "Get better soon, Y _uur_ i. I'm just not the same Captain without you by my side."

Yuuri's breath hitches. Tension crackles between them like lightning, sensation building and bubbling in his chest until he's ready to burst, leaving Yuuri teetering on the edge of something great-

Then he sneezes in Viktor's face.

* * *

**3\. Yuuri, somehow, misses the memo that he's in high demand. You'd have thought it be obvious, but Yuuri needs to be hit over the head with a brick when it comes to things involving his self-esteem. And even then he's more likely to politely hand the brick back to you than realize it was for him.**

"Yuuriiiiiiiii," Viktor whines, heavily draped along Yuuri's back. "Come be my co-pilot."

Yuuri doesn't pause as Viktor let's more of his weight fall on the smaller human. He doesn't even seem to notice it at all as he digs his notes out of his backpack. Viktor smiles and rubs his cheek against Yuuri's, delighted.

(So strong, his Yuuri~)

"Vitya," Yuuri says as he flips through his notes, "if you mess up my lab, I'll poison you."

The exchange is, surprisingly, a regular occurrence within the Academy's electron microscope lab on Wednesday afternoons. Viktor gets his midweek break from pilot classes and, being the clingy (and hopelessly in love) friend he is, Viktor tags along with Yuuri as he bums around the science department looking for projects to fill his free period more often than not.

Viktor thinks about how often Yuuri lets him tag along to these afternoon sessions despite Viktor being essentially useless when it comes to biology and laughs giddily. He  _likes_ it when Yuuri wants him around.

"You would never poison me," Viktor says confidently, borderline smug. "No one else is good enough to to pilot your flight patterns."

Yuuri doesn't turn away from his lab manual and just hums.

Viktor's arms tighten around Yuuri. "You  _wouldn't."_

"Your doubt will be the end of you. I'll boil down the new dakti flower in the bio department and slather your breakfast in it."

Yuuri hasn't even turned away from the lab manual. But his bottom lip catches between his teeth in what Viktor thinks is remorse until Yuuri starts muttering over how the lab procedure is all mixed up.

_This world is cruel and so is my Yuuri._

Viktor pouts, unseen by Yuuri. "Fine, then make sure I'm buried with blue roses and don't forget to cry at my funeral," he says petulantly.

Yuuri snorts. "Don't be so dramatic, it'll just give you diarrhea for the week and red eyes."

The air in Viktor's lung punches out in the most pathetic whine. "That's worse!"

Yuuri chucks the lab manual away with a snort and whirls in Viktor's arms. Viktor stops breathing, caught on Yuuri standing chest to chest with him, eyes shining with determination and hands rested ever so gently on Viktor's biceps.

_Oh_ , Viktor thinks dreamily,  _it's the beginning of fantasy 58_.

Then Yuuri shoves him onto a stool.

"You," Yuuri says and stops. Viktor blinks at him and Yuuri shakes his head before saying, "You sit. There. Don't move or else you'll break something and then Ciao Ciao will behead us both and feed us to his desk troll." Yuuri nods, once. "Yeah."

And then Yuuri whirls back to his microscope.

Viktor tries not to feel too disappointed. His fault for getting his hopes up.

"You know," Viktor starts, sounding breathless. Viktor coughs to clear his chest of the stupid butterflies and his voice sounds more normal when he says, "If you changed programs - like, hypothetically, to the pilot program with me - Professor Celestino wouldn't have any reason to feed you to desk trolls."

Yuuri snorts. "Yes he would."

"Yes, I would," pipes up a new voice. Viktor yelps and looks over his shoulder to see Celestino Cialdini standing in the doorway. The fluorescent overhead lighting deepens the deep circles under his eyes and sharp shadows cutting over his cheeks so that Celestino looks like death warmed over. Which, given his caffeine crazed eyes and white knuckled fists, is probably an accurate statement to how Celestino feels right now.

Viktor gulps. Loudly.

"So," Celestino continues as he walks over, tone calm and cheery and absolutely terrifying, "What's this I hear about changing programs?"

"Eh," Yuuri says over Viktor's half-babbles. He waves a dismissive hand and flicks through his slides one last time. "Same old, same old."

Celestino's sharp eyes burn holes in Viktor's head and he steps between Viktor and Yuuri pointedly.

Viktor smiles weakly. The academy's halls are lined with rumors about the infamous Professor Celestino Cialdini, the man whose name alone terrified Klingons into surrender and the teacher who allows the paper troll in his desk live on the condition it eats whining students. And now, as he squirms under Celestino's glare, Viktor believes every rumor about the infamous pilot with the fervor of a religious man.

He hopes Chris gives a beautiful eulogy at his funeral that makes everyone weep.

Celestino points a pencil - sharpened to lethal pointiness - at him and smiles with too many teeth. "Stop," he says through his teeth, "trying to steal my favorite student."

"I thought Phichit was your favorite," Yuuri says without looking up.

"You two switch off. You pulled ahead because Phichit got  _Shall We Skate_ stuck in my head again."

"Ah." Yuuri hums, attempting to look casual but failing as he eyes Celestino too eagerly and his lips twitch helplessly in a smile. "Does that mean I can have Mack tonight?"

Celestino smiles kindly. "Stop trying to steal my dog or else you're getting demoted."

"I'll take Mack."

Celestino scowls at the back of Yuuri's head. Viktor bites the inside of his cheek to muffle his laughter, but Celestino turns to glare at him anyways.

"I like you the least Nikiforov, don't test me," growls Celestino. Viktor visibly pales and Celestino's glare lightens slightly in sadistic satisfaction.

Yuuri snorts and pokes his head around Celestino. "He's lying. He thinks you're an obnoxiously flashy and talented pilot and hopes me and Phichit wiMPHRPHF-"

Celestino smiles as though he isn't covering half of Yuuri's face with one hand. Viktor tries to hide his glee and focus on Yuuri's cute pout, but Celestino isn't fooled. "Stop spreading rumors kid," Celestino mutters to Yuuri before addressing Viktor. "You're less worse than the other idiots, but you're still an idiot Nikiforov."

Viktor preens. "That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me."

Celestino rolls his eyes and swipes Yuuri's lab corrections. Viktor fools himself into thinking this means he's passed Celestino's inspection and gleefully texts Chris the good news.

Then he looks up to meet Celestino's assessing gaze and nearly jumps through the roof.

Celestino hums and rubs his chin thoughtfully. Viktor sits up straighter and hopes his sweating isn't visible.

Celestino scratches his chin. "I wonder if they'll give the  _Andrea Doria_  back to me…"

Viktor squawks in panic, gaping up at the professor and his smug grin helplessly. Students love to gossip about how Professor Celestino Cialdini fought Starfleet for years to let him retire into his current cushy teaching job so that he could terrorize students instead of Klingons. Viktor doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell if Celestino's serious about commanding a ship again. The man's too cunning, he'd just bribe Yuuri with Mack cuddles and Yuuri would forget all about Viktor in the flurry of dog kisses.

_Note to self, buy a dog._

Celestino's eyes crinkle as he smiles at Viktor warmly. Viktor swears he sees horns curling out of Celestino's head.

Their showdown is interrupted by Yuuri's happy gasp, eyes pressed against the microscope. It must be something important because Yuuri (adorably) rambles about whatever he discovered at the speed of light and shines just as bright. Celestino immediately joins Yuuri in his volley of bio speculations and microscope specs and Viktor wilts into obscurity.

Then, Yuuri stops abruptly mid-sentence and his head swivels side-to-side as he blinks around the lab in adorable confusion. "Where'd Viktor go?"

Celestino badly angles himself between Viktor and Yuuri. "Who cares about that delinquent."

Viktor scowls at the back of the professor's head. He'd have a better chance fighting Death itself than Celestino Cialdini, but Viktor will always try the impossible for Yuuri.

"Don't say that Ciao Ciao." Yuuri's head pops around the side of Celestino's bicep and he beams, shining like a star. "Viktor! C'mere, I wanna show you this!"

Viktor kicks the stool away in his eagerness to join Yuuri's side. He doesn't stop to pick it up.

Viktor drapes himself along Yuuri's back, arms winding around Yuuri's waist and his chin on Yuuri's shoulder. He can feel the storm of annoyance behind him, but Viktor can't ever worry about such minor details when Yuuri's in his arms, especially not when Yuuri happily chatters about what he loves most with a possessive hand curling around Viktor's forearm to keep him there.

Especially not after Yuuri chooses  _him_.

Viktor looks over his shoulder and beams smugly at the face of death.

* * *

**4: The** _ **Enterprise**_   **is more family than crew. This is not by design. Instead, the crew stood still for too long and Viktor went** _ **mine now**_   **and refuses to give anyone back.**

Zanzib is a planet that's eighty percent water, yet the largest continent is almost entirely desert. It's capital, Ashpur, is a surprising bustle of life and excitement rising up in the heart of the desert, sitting at the crossroads of many trade routes and offering a welcome reprieve to weary travelers. Luck just has it that the  _Enterprise_ 's warp core's malfunction needs a type of screw and nut that can only be found in Ashpur's sprawling mechanics bazaar in this sector.

("You couldn't have found a nice port town to find your stupid screw so I could have a beach vacation, could you?" Seung-gil grumbles at Sara from his favorite hiding place in the warm nook behind the pipes leading to the warp core.

Sara pokes him, ignoring his yelp as the screwdriver posing as her finger digs into the soft flesh of his arm. "No. Now take your negativity away from my baby before she has a meltdown.")

The parts are easily found and the warp core fixed before the morning is over, so Viktor gives the whole crew the rest of the day to explore Ashpur before their departure the next day. Which is how Sara finds herself browsing through the endless wares with Mila and Seung-gil mid afternoon.

Ashpur's market is a blast of colors, noise, and smells, all of it layered with heat and gritty dust. Colorful cotton sheets in lush crimsons and rich browns hang between rough, white-gold sand rock buildings to give the bustling street markets plenty of shade. Booths cram in between local shops with little rhyme, reason, or care. Soft rugs lined with exquisite patterns are sold right next to a rusty junkyard with twisted scrap, gleaming jewelry stands with delicate gold chains and bright colorful beads are squished between racks draped with dried spices and jayki meat.

Sara currently stands between a booth that reeks of incense and a local drink shop, just out of the way of the general market bustle, but close enough to admire the chaos while catching the edge of the cool draft coming from the shop's open doors. Seung-gil wanders into the shop to see if they sold asma, the drink the locals recommend, while Mila is distracted by the vibrantly dyed clothes hanging in nearby booths, so Sara ignores the smelly booth's grumpy vendor and tourists loudly slurping iced fruits behind her in favor of enjoying the shade and miniscule breeze.

Sara sighs softly as she watches Mila barter with a nearby scarf vendor. Her wife makes a wonderful distraction from the heat as she casts a striking figure in the market, deep blue facial marks garnering curious looks from the desert wanderers and red hair bright even amongst the colorful desert tones. Mila takes advantage of the crews planetside excursion to take a break from the regular uniform to wear her favorite sundress Sara bought her when they visited Taíma for their anniversary. The dress is light blue, flowy and strappy and (delightfully) sleeveless, and Sara's never been more in love.

"Stop sighing Sara," Seung-gil grouches next to her, grumpily taking a long sip of his drink. Sara hadn't even notice him rejoining her. "You're getting sand in your lungs."

Mila laughs as she brushes her curly bangs behind her ear, biceps flexing. Her betrothal earrings shine in the bright desert sunlight and Sara swears she can see the small pink and green diamonds climbing the shell of Mila's ear sparkle even from here.

Sara swoons.

Seung-gil groans. "You're awful."

Mila's still chatting with the vendor as she bundles her purchases into her arms and finishes paying, miraculously managing to juggle her money and her wallet without losing either despite her full hands. Mila finally notices Sara staring and beams at her as she holds up her new package in excitement.

Sara swoons. Seung-gil slurps his drink as obnoxiously as possible. "I can't help it," Sara says as she leans against Seung-gil for support. Her wife weaves through the milling crowd with an excited skip to her step. Sara's knees wobble and she lets more of her weight fall on Seung-gil despite his warning squawk. "I'm gay and in love."

"Why." Seung-gil takes a deep breath. "Why am I with you?"

"Because we walked out of the ship at the same time and Queen Seondeok doesn't like sand."

"That doesn't answer my question."

Sara finally peels her eyes away from Mila and pouts up at Seung-gil. "For someone covered in rainbow scales, you're not a lot of fun."

The Maeji glares back at her with flat dark eyes even as a faint flush streaks across his cheeks. "I fail to see what my  _jeoul_  have to do with anything."

Mila chooses this moment to bound up to the duo. She pulls Sara into her arms and kisses her cheek before rubbing their noses together sweetly.

Sara's subsequent melting has very little to do with the twin suns shining bright overhead.

Seung-gil rolls his eyes and makes shooing motions. "Go be gay and in love somewhere that's not by me."

"And let you be all alone after our illustrious captain implemented his buddy system?" Mila asks innocently, snaking her arms around Sara's waist and resting her chin on her shoulder as she blinks at Seung-gil. Sara snuggles into Mila's arms with a grin as Seung-gil gives up.

Seung-gil glares flatly. "I hate you both."

Sara and Mila laugh and blow him air kisses.

Mila squeezes Sara's waist gently before taking mercy on Seung-gil and peeling away. She links her fingers with Sara's right hand though and Sara hums happily as she feels the warm wedding band press against her skin.

Seung-gil wrinkles his nose at Sara, but she knows better as she picks up the faintest relaxation of his frown. She tries not to look too smug.

"How's the asma?" Mila asks as Seung-gil takes another pointed sip.

"Delicious," Seung-gil deadpans.

Mila gives him a small, confused smile.

"Ooooohh, we should get some." Sara looks over at the line trailing out of the drink shop and grimaces. "Uh, Seung-gil, is it worth it?"

"If you like tea."

Sara shoots him a flat look. "Helpful."

"I try to be. Which reminds me." Seung-gil shoves his drink into Mila's hand with a curt "don't touch" and digs out a small wrapped package from his satchel. Seung-gil gestures to Sara's prosthetic and the cooling clothes wrapped around the joint. "Take those off."

"Why…" Seung-gil adopts his I'm-your-doctor-stop-whining face and Sara hastily undoes the binds. "I'm going, I'm going!"

" _Hmph_." Seung-gil puts out a soaked cloth that smells like a cross between lizard butt and the spice stall and slaps it on Sara's shoulder where her metal arm meets flesh.

Sara's complaints about the smell evaporate faster than water as sweet, cool bliss drips over the joint. She moans happily and rubs the… whatever is into her skin and sways as her hot skin gets some much needed relief. "This is almost heaven,  _thank you_."

Seung-gil squawks in protest as he snatches his drink back from Mila. "I asked for the smelliest one for you and that's the thanks I get?"

"Nothing you do could possibly beat being in Mila's arms."

Mila drapes a hand across her chest. " _Babe_."

"Ugh." Seung-gil scowls, rainbow cheeks and bright pink shirt glimmering in the sun. "Could you two be anymore obnoxiously gay."

Sara snickers and swipes Seung-gil's drink. "Don't tell Seung-gil," she says sweetly to Seung-gil's stink eye and sips the- _holy mother of god that's good_.

Seung-gil snatches his drink back and cradles it protectively to his chest with a hiss. Sara looks after the spicy drink longingly. "We've gotta get some of that Mila, that shit's amazing."

Mila laughs and holds Sara back from swiping Seung-gil's drink again and tempting Seung-gil to homicide. "Okay detka, stop stealing his drink. We'll make Viktor pay for ours."

"Eh?"

Mila nods to her right and there's their captain, his silver hair easy to pick out amongst the crowd.

"Why does he have a child on his back?"

Seung-gil looks bored as he sips his drink. "Clearly Katsuki lost him and then Nikiforov went off and kidnapped a child."

Sara and Mila blink at the child getting a piggyback ride from Viktor. Sparkling white markings splash across the little girl's dark skin, stark against her dark blue hijab and all the more obvious as she giggles and shrieks with laughter. Her fingers are buried in Viktor's hair, twisting and combing the silver locks in between slipping on little sparkling beads. Viktor, the man who infamously uses 62 hair products in an attempt to preserve it, doesn't appear to mind in the least as he happily chatters to the child with a wide smile.

Sara cocks her head. "She doesn't look very kidnapped."

"So we're hiring preteens now," Seung-gil deadpans, facial expression unchanging but communicating his suffering all the same. He sighs. "At least Minami will have company."

"Minami's twenty."

"And?"

"Hiya everyone!" Viktor crows as he butts in with the subtlety of a hurricane, smiling brightly.

Sara and Seung-gil blink the spots out of their eyes as the child slips off Viktor's back and Viktor presents her proudly. "Say hi to Wadi! Wadi, these are my children."

The three officers squawk loudly in protest.

"Vity _a_ ," Mila whines, "I'm obviously your sister."

" _That_ 's your complaint?" grumbles Seung-gil.

Wadi stares at them with large green eyes, calculating and piercing. Then, she breaks out in a smile, fingers slowly uncurling from where they'd been clutching the fabric pooling underneath her chin. "Mayla, your children do not seem very happy to see you."

"Mayla?" asks Mila.

"Again,  _not_  his child," Seung-gil insists.

"Don't mind them," Viktor says. "They're always in denial. Especially the grumpy one."

"I know sixteen different poisons that will make your life hell without killing you Nikiforov."

"See? Grumpy!"

Sara ignores Seung-gil's indignant huffs and eyes the way Wadi sticks close to Viktor's side. "So," she drawls, barely managing to keep her eyebrows from rising. "How'd you two meet?"

"It was amazing," Viktor gushes, cuddling a giggling Wadi closer. "She stole my wallet and I didn't realize at all until she was three streets over! She would've gotten away with it too if I hadn't bumped into her buying some jidma-halu with my money."

Sara blinks.

"What," Mila asks flatly.

Wadi smiles at them sweetly. Sara just now notices Wadi cuddling Viktor's poodle coin purse to her chest. "I got lost," Wadi explains. "I don't know where Jura is."

"Jura?"

"Her caretaker," explains Viktor. Wadi scrunches her nose.

Sara discreetly sighs and bends down to be at a better height with Wadi. "Oh, so our captain's helping you find Jura?"

Wadi scowls and grips Viktor's hand tighter. "No! I spent all morning getting lost, I'm not going back already."

Sara gawks. Seung-gil grumbles behind her.

"Uh." Mila blows out a breath and tries again. "Why did you leave Jura?"

"I saw your Starship." Wadi's pout melts into a smile, the child adorably bouncing on her toes as her excitement gets the better of her. "Father always warns me against spacers' barbarism and cunning. I've been dying to meet one of you for _ever_."

Silence descends between the five.

Sara coughs, wondering if all the dust Seung-gil warned her about has clogged her brain. "And. Now that you've met us?"

Wadi purses her lips thoughtfully. "Father said spacers have fangs like a naar'li and tongues as slick as al-jinns'." Wadi narrows her eyes at Sara and her friends, thin green slits accusatory. "None of you have those though. It's…"

"...nice?" Sara suggests.

Mila snorts. "Relieving?"

Wadi's frown deepens. "Disappointing."

Sara and Mila gape at a loss. Seung-gil grumbles louder.

Wadi brightens. "But that's okay, I like Mayla!" she says, beaming up at Viktor, who beams back.

"I like you too rybka," Viktor says cheerfully. "Wanna see my ship?"

Sara, Seung-gil, and Mila all exchange horrified looks. No one has stepped foot on the  _Enterprise_  and not been absorbed by it's weird family. Child kidnapping accusations race across Sara's mind and the same appears to happen with Mila and Seung-gil if their pale cheeks are anything to go by. Then she realizes Viktor's still telling Wadi about their ship, Wadi more eager with every word, and she just.  _Reacts_.

 

 

("Don't forget to email me when you submit your application, rybka!" Viktor yells back to the fading tribe as he dangles over Mila's shoulder in a fireman's carry.

"I will!" hollers Wadi back. She's back with her caretaker Jura, a mountain of a man who looks just as exasperated as them.

"I can't wait to hire you in ten years!" says Viktor happily to the sound of his three officers smacking their foreheads.)

* * *

**+1: It's not that JJ is disliked by the** _ **Enterprise**_   **crew, it's just that his ego can't fit on board with the rest of them.**

**(Well. That's what he insists at least.)**

"Hi everyone!"

"GET OUT," Yuri roars.

"Really Yuri," JJ says cheerily over Yuri's howls, "is that anyway to greet your favorite Leroy-Yang?"

Yuri snarls and starts shoving JJ towards the door. "Isabella is the only Yang I care about. Go away."

"Can't." JJ beams. "We've already left port."

"I'll settle for an airlock," Yuri growls darkly.

JJ, either not noticing Yuri's mood through his normal airs or presuming Yuri's always like this (either one's possible), merely digs in his heels and calls out greetings to the rest of the crew.

"Hi CC!" Viktor calls cheerfully as Yuri 'guides' JJ past him.

JJ flaps his arms in a vague imitation of waving. "Still JJ!" he says, beaming.

"That's what I said!"

"Whatever you say Binktop!" JJ hollers back as Yuri shoves him around the corner.

"Don't talk to my brother," Yuri grumbles. "I won't survive the annoying."

"You know you love me," JJ says cheerfully, laughing as Yuri growls. He tries to duck away from Yuri as they near the science quarters, but Yuri isn't made of teenage rage and spite for nothing. The young Dola easily overpowers him and shoves him through despite the ambassador's protests, leaving heavy screech marks in their wake. JJ doesn't relax until Yuri's made it back to his quarters and is halfway through calling Otabek, a fact Yuri would be more interested in if he weren't so preoccupied with passing JJ off to Isabella as quickly as possible.

JJ quickly returns to his normal obnoxious self. "How have you been little Yuri? Miss me?"

Yuri growls and stabs his datapad's keys as though it'll speed up the call. "I still haven't forgiven you,  _traitor_."

JJ rolls his eyes good naturedly, well acquainted with Yuri's vitriol. "I've done nothing wrong. The communications officer position was open on Isabella's ship, I just pointed Otabek to it."

Yuri growls louder and opens his mouth to eviscerate JJ, only to be cut off by the chime of his door opening.

Yuuri, with his man-eating zombie plant Cinderblock cradled in his arms and Queen Seondeok trailing after him like a more colorful and terrifying grim, walks in.

"Hey guys- stop screaming JJ, it's just me. Have either of you seen today's meat delivery? My babies are hungry."

JJ faints. Yuri gleefully offers him as sacrifice.

**Author's Note:**

> mayla: literally means 'water shine'. it’s an Albith term of endearment for children  
> naar'li: means 'fire-bite'. it's the most venomous snake on Zanzib  
> if you're like me and love worldbuilding, go [here](http://thecookiemonster77.tumblr.com/0gworld) for more worldbuilding notes !  
> (or just ask me, xylo is wonderful and indulgent and I love worldbuilding lol)
> 
> shout out if you recognize where I borrowed Wadi from ;)
> 
> if you want a rough chronological timeline of events, it goes as: 3 -> 1 -> +1 -> 4 -> 2
> 
> a huge thank you to xylo! i love this 'verse, ty for indulging me and letting me play around in your sandbox <3<3


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